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Too many people here miss the points you made to justify their own pain. Avoidant people WANT to love you and want to show their love, but they are scared of getting too close. The exact nature of their fear will come down to the individual, and it will be your duty as their partner to figure out what it is. Is that unfair? No, a partner should be willing to learn about and deal with their parnter appropriately, not just dump them like some child who found out their toy is broken. Avoidant people, for whatever reason, have learned to always do things on their own. Maybe they learned that they can’t rely on others to be emotional available, maybe they had instances of giving love that was met with harsh consequences. Regardless, their strategy is to close off and put space between their SO to protect themselves and their independence, which they have relied on for so long to keep them emotionally stable. The variation in ‘trigger points’ is normal - everyone has different thresholds. Some commentor mentioned that they don’t seem to have issues with bosses or friends - I would venture that isn’t entirely true. With bosses, there is no emotional reliance - the relationship is purely transactional and the avoidant knows where they stand at all times. They also know that boss will not be there forever. With friends, it is possible that they don’t hang out all the time. Or maybe they have very few friends who they have vetted for years and feel very secure in. All this to say, yes, it hurts to have to deal with an avoidant person’s issues, but they are often worth it on the inside. If you manage to really work with them you will often find someone who is likely more empathetic, more passionate, and more loyal than anyone else!

Honestly who cares run the other way

Women monkey branch far more than men. Especially nowadays.

Omg im about to boil a frog😂

Thank you so much, Chris. This last scenario gave me food for thought.

I created a safe and understanding place for this person. Even though they say they love me, They just kept going for someone else, the new and shiny. Forfeiting a long deep/safe/secure relationship

There is also a percentage of people getting unblocked because they feel nothing towards us anymore. They just don't care for us. They aren't curious. They are just indifferent.

“Creating an environment where they feel safe and understood” can come at a cost to your own well being and mental health. If they aren’t capable of doing the work, it’s better to invest that care, love and healing into yourself.

How many times they are able coming back

What if I don't want a response at any cost? I just want my stuff back. Should I ask a friend to text for me?

These goofs become the rats!

What do you do when you have an address? lol we become the predator!

Love this video! Helpful and informative, truly. But what I am saying next coexists alongside the insight you so eloquently provided. Avoidants aren’t worth the struggle for the most dismal odds of any appreciable payoff. At least AP people; despite being quite flawed in their own ways, have the desire to put in effort. The stats are stacked in favor of AP turning more secure while avoidants far less frequently heal. Committing to an avoidant is committing to walking eggshells and deluding yourself that tolerating their fragility makes you secure. A real secure person values themselves too much to have to research fbi negotiation tactics to handle their broken partner.

I’m done! Scapegoat accepted ❤️‍🩹 I need to disassociate myself from my narcissistic family of origin

14:42 I want justice for myself & for him to experience the same pain he inflicted on me. I was super secure & never cared about relationships in the beginning. I don't easily open up & trust people with my feelings. once I started to feel safe with him, he discarded me. Now trusting people with my feelings are impossible altogether. I will not allow him to think he can just get away with that. that's why I need to learn what makes him tick, so I can use it against him. after that is done, my healing will complete

The man had feelings and she ended it.

Well, well... I guess it's time for me to experiment now 😊

I love it when I hear just the tip of the iceberg of my own messed up childhood as excuses for why I should be understanding & make allowances for someone else who was abused to treat me poorly. maybe it's time *I* get to behave badly bc of my childhood, maybe it's my turn to act out bc I have big feelings & other ppls reasonable needs are just in the way

Interesting

I fell hard for an avoidant because I kept justifying his behavior over and over again and hadn’t ever been with someone like him before I didn’t realize his strategy. He was very charming and I let him in my home and my heart thinking we were building a relationship. He started becoming argumentative over the simplest things when we got further into our relationships and if I tried to explain he would gas light me and blame everything on me. I started questioning myself at times. Then after one night of finally taking our relationship to the next level he became vulnerable and started to be affectionate. Of course I was elated and thinking he’s now ready for a commitment. We spend a couple of wonderful days together but when he went home the next day he picked a fight with me out of nowhere. I asked what happened and he started getting upset so I chose to not engage and said goodbye and hung up the phone. He disappeared and I didn’t contact him. It was so hard because I wanted so bad to reach out. Two months passed and he would watch my stories and even sent me a happy Mother’s Day text. I said thanks but I didn’t continue talking to him. Two months later to the day he called me only to start yelling again about why I hung up on him 🤦‍♀️. I love him but it’s freaking exhausting and having to constantly defend myself for things that are so weird. TBH, I cannot deal with that sort of drama. I want peace and love and affection that comes with compassion and understanding with a partner. This was starting to make me very defensive and I felt he picked on every move I made. I was losing my confidence and he could sense it. It was like he fed on my shrinkage of myself and he got stronger. Sad because I still love him very much but I have to love my peace more 😢

The title on this video was supposed to be about avoidance. Too much talking about the anxious preoccupied attachment disorder.

Yapping too much

I think 😢everything here is like someone talking about me.. i have no idea of how to heal out of this

Wah?

Unless they monkey branch endlessly

Literally do nothing

the only thing you need to do with an avoidant (i am one) is set an expectation to talk about something. Avoidants are avoiding the conflict that is direct. They tend to avoid it and if its not mention they think it's not a problem anymore or wasn't that important so they forget and move on. You need to talk to them that "this thing" is important to you and you need them to think about it and give them an honest opinion. I leaerned to do this myself for some things on my own and i'm still learning about it. To understand what i'm feeling and go back to the topic at a later point. Sometimes with really badly triggering things I close down. My mind just shuts off and I can't even think about anything. That's a point for me to realise I need to take some time. For me this used to be really bad in a sense that I couldn't even say where to go eat. To go to some restaurant of my choice. Because my mind was shut off and couldn't think of anything. For me this is because nothing was ever right for me to say. Everything was bad or stupid or something like that. So giving my opinion about something has been really difficult throughout my life and when I do give an option and someone says "no" I immediately just shut down again. Understanding something like this about your partner will help you TREMENDOUSLY

I was an avoidant dating an avoidant. After we were together for a few months I realized I loved her and decided to drop the bullshit and give this a real try. I was able to be more vulnerable and have uncomfortable conversations. She never was able to break out of it though

The last 3m is genius. "WHY (truly) do you want them back?"

interesting good video

You guys nailed this....100%

Liked and subbed, please(!) could you do a video on the relationships/breakups/reattraction between secure and anxious types? I think I made this all go very sour because of my anxious relationship issues, put a lot of it on her, but having done the partner quiz I think she was actually secure. It would be good to see if what I am thinking is along the right lines. Thank u!

Broke up in November. Got back together for like a week. Then she dumped me. I kept trying until February. Went to her town for 10 days. She avoided me. Didn't come to see me. Just said you were never good enough for me. I don't love you. In no contact since March 6. Her birthday. I messaged her asking her to not reply to me and it still kills me inside because I still hope. I am 120% sure she will never come back. I still watch her stories anonymously and stalk her TikTok reposts through other accounts. Not a single hidden message for me. She moved on. She lost her feelings for me and no matter what I do or try nothing will bring her back. It still hurts inside like hell. I still cry almost everyday. 7 months of nonstop crying. All I want is for me to not wake up tomorrow so I can stop this feeling. It was my first ever relationship. It took me 29 years to do one. And I'm not planning to hurt like that again. Not now. Not in 10 years. I'm just gonna stalk her until I die. Love her from far away. Stay away from women guys. It's better single. They don't come back when you make a mistake. And we don't leave when they make one. I hope I'm wrong and she comes back one day. Until then I will keep trying to find ways to win her back. ΓΠΔΣ

I'm autistic and I've been told for my entire life to just eat shit and deal with it. Why do actual abusive people get none of this shit?

I think I am not hating my fearful-avoidant husband for several reasons: 1. I had some of the experience like him in the childhood, so I do have empathy; 2. I also have some avoidant traits and I had even more in the past, but I learnt to be different and trust him in our relationship, do yes, I can confirm that attachment style develops and changes in the relationship; 3. We have a child now ourselves, so I know hiw hard it is ti do the right thing as a parent. Also my in-laws are extremely toxic people, and my husband the only child,so I do know as a fact, that his behaviour is the only way of communication that helped him to survive.

I respect you so much!!! For saying you’re prolonging someone’s suffering. You have a great conscious

Horror movies arent scary. This video is though. Thankyou!

Amazing video, thank a lot! Noone could answer me this question before, but it looks like we actually both have avoidant patterns. Or this means I am missing something?

I don't want to boil my frog😢, i'd father help him to turn into a prince😅

I was littearly threatened with being attacked and chased by some People in the dark after going no contact with one narcissists

Great video. Thank you !!!!

I was my DA ex’s phantom ex for 37 years and didn’t even know it! 35 yrs of zero contact and bam out of the blue he contacted me after my marriage ended. He confessed no one had ever measured up to me and I was the love of his life, the perfect woman whom he had longed for all these years! I was dumbfounded. And so began a 2 year relationship of us doing what I now know from this video as our death wheels over and over. Unfortunately I couldn’t live up to his idealised version of me and in a very short time he employed all of the deactivation strategies….. Awful and never again!

It is really abusive, the screams, insults, the commanding of apologies for something they did! The only way I made him leave was actually me being fake and manipulative, telling him I needed to go to therapy to be a better person for “ us”, after I cried because I felt disgusting with myself but he thought it was because I was sad of him leaving! I know is not a good strategy but was the only way of not making him get angry, my poor kids were nervous because he had been horrible, taking my phone, and screaming in the apartment building, and streets where I am a cheap h! Even at the airport where security came asking me if I was safe… No, I will never go back! Praying to God that he finds someone else fast, yes I am sorry for his next victim, but I am being selfish because I have kids to take care of.

If you want the right love in your life, read, Getting the love you want. A great book to do the right work on your relationships

Okay I’m new to this term as of right now. Funny thing… I am the avoidant. I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. I hope not to receive any hate by confessing this. I just shut down, like my entire body starts shaking and I can barely speak when I feel my autonomy or independence being challenged. I was raised by a very controlling narcissistic step mother, my birth mother was not my safety as a young child and gave me away at age 3 to be exact. My dad didn’t want me either for a long time. I am now married to a beautiful diagnosed autistic man. He knows himself but lacks any idea of any of this about me. We’ve been together almost 6 years and every step of commitments along the way has been triggering to my avoidance issues. I recently shut down again this week when an old topic was brought up again. I’m now sleeping in the living room and I don’t even want to be touched. Understanding it’s a me problem, I’ve still interacted, try hugging, try participating in daily activity together but I’m struggling. He is so kind and patient. My question… how on earth do I share this with him when I totally feel like this is still just a me problem? I don’t want to feel this way. It sucks! I don’t want to avoid the love of my life , but my brain feels no feelings currently and my skin feels like needles. I understand it’s all me, I don’t know how to rewire my brain not to feel afraid. Sorry if tmi to anybody out there.

I used to act and exhibit these characteristics. Until I realized I wasn’t avoidant but rather afraid. Afraid of serious adult relationships, children and marriage. I wanted to extend my childhood of smoking weed, video games and beer. Responsibly frightened me. I wasn’t avoidant, I was a man child, puer aeternus. After reading some Jung I realized this and moved on. Some of you are not avoidant. Just normal guys clinging to their youth.

just phone em up and ask them what they truely really want its that easy. both of you mature up stop playing games be honest with one another.

I didn’t know Pete Hegseth was a psychologist!

Basically you should treat them as children. And see their needs as valid. On the other hand needs of anxious peole are bad, and they should work on them on their own and change. Is someone will tell me that anxious people are needy, I will send them this video to show how avoidant people want us all to be perfecr human beings (perfect in their opinion), otherwise they will leave.

I want him back because he was everything I ever wanted before he dumped me. I want him to come back and apologize and somehow make it make sense and we can move past it and have a stronger relationship. I honestly don’t know though if that is possible anymore but I do still want the chance to find out.